100% y2k-compliant, 93.82% bitch

need to update this asap!

yeah

hey

i just received the test results from my saliva hormone test.... click click BOOM!

well it seems my progesterone is off causing the ratio to be 10x what it should be.

thanks to all of you who cared, wrote to me, wondered what was up & shared your experiences....'cept that one guy.

now i know what i have to do. i'm just really glad to have this in writing so i know it wasn't all in my head.

: )

Happy Birthday Jerry!!!
hope the road ahead is full of LOTS of GOOD TIMES!!!
here's to ya *tips a Corona*

had a really good day today. got up early. got a lot of work done this weekend. there was a big old thunder storm last night! it was way cool. i love thunderstorms (!).....

just got done scarfing on corned beef & stuuf! it was great. i love to cook!

anyway, hope everyone had a good day. talk to you later

~kira

the latest

damn had another bad weekend. yeah, i know it's thursday [Note: this was written 3/14 but blogger wouldn't cooperate.].... my allergies are killing me, my stomach has been a little better. yeah still puking but dealing with it ok. thngs have been going good and bad, a lot of my jewelry is broken, things have been lost. i don't like that. all my watches are too small now that i'm not eating for days at a time. i bought a graphics tablet that absolutely refuses to run w/my computer (that was part of the 1st bad weekend). got a bunch o' client stuff to do, dang sometimes it's just nearly impossible to work with piles of shit on my desk and a messy house. even the mess in other rooms bothers me..... terrible nightmares last night. couldn't sleep. having headaches too, but water always helps with that. i DID go out and get a hormone test. i'm gonna do it. i have to wait until the right time of the month (or so they say), i'm wondering if i should just wait until i feel the grim reaper approaching, as i do every month, and then take the test. there's about a 5-day difference there. hmmmm i'll see how i feel about it then.

and a little link for the day: read the nicorette post (2nd one down) on this site. i'm going back for more, just wanted to share.

ok i don't even want to go into how BAD of a weekend i had starting last friday-- but there are so many things on my mind. ok first, i had my new purse, little tan camelbone wonder with sparkling brass suns on both sides, GOD it's gorgeous, anyway i go to lunch w/my friend. Indian food (god THAT was haunting me all weekend as well blah) but i grab the purse WHICH I'VE NEVER USED BEFORE and the chain breaks causing it to fall on the floor, and a piece of the purse breaks off. so i can't use that, had packed it so carefully because it's so small, but anyway--- Indian food was good but didn't realize i was pms'ing quite so bad. talked about bad stuff the whole time i sound like such a sob story, i feel like everyone must think i'm a dark cloud so i felt bad when i went back to work. i had an ok day, took some shots of a doll for a client w/the digital camera - nice resolution ; ) and met the client - had to put on shoes *hehe* then i move into the "other" office with the bright lights and the bad chair and the ugly other chair and then my computer was all wrong. so i tried to straighten it out but at 5 i left. anyway, then i had to get gas i was on total E. so i am in a traffic jam and literally cannot drive 5 feet into the goddamn driveway, but i managed to anyway and i had to wait for someone who thought the gas station was their personal parking space for their little tiny convertible bmw to move it, i pulled up, stopped and paid, but you have to pump first. ok fine so i did that, then there's this guy rewiring the fucking lotto machine. i just wanted to pay. then these other guys are yelling and talking shit making all kinds of noise and talking about me in my dress, shut up! so then i get out of there drink a beer... or just bring it home. what else? dinner - cold house!!! as always!! mr.x goes to work. jazz has a friend overnight. i am calling my friend who won't answer then he calls back i said i could come over and he's like i don't care. so then i go over there, but he's not there AND i stopped at the new gas station to get a beer & some munchies for the little ones but there are like 80 people in line and one slow ass cashier, so i go and stupidly drive further so i can wait at the fucking circle k for an even slower fatter assed cashier to be all talking and shit about lotto tix i'm like HEY can i go NOW? fuck i did the money dangle like at a busy bar so she'd fucking WAKE UP but anyway, NO this guy goes ahead of me and i see his jacket, so i'm like OH SHIT i know who they are (someone i don't wanna know) so then this other guy CUTS in front of me and i'm like whatever, just so the line gets moving and this slow ass bitch is too fat to move properly GOD just put her on disability for stupidity and inbredness ALONE fuck so this dumb ass dickhead is outside and i'm like fuck... then he sees my kids in the car (yes they were right in front where i could see them) and i like almost just dropped my shit and ran out there, but i could see they were ducking down.

so he comes in a bumps me like hey say hi to me, and i'm like totally ignoring him FINALLY just getting my change JEEZ and he flat out yells HEY aren't ya gonna say hi to me, so i was like hi, how are ya, i'm busy and i go out there w/my kids. they said they saw him and were scared fuck i hate him. so then i go down the street get lost and get to my friends with the fucking wild hyena guard dog, he waren't thar---

so i'm all in a bad mood i open my beer but the kids wanna go so we left. damn so the next day i sleep in and feel fine, i go to get a biscuit and just happen to call him, he says come over, so there i go, everything's taken care of and then BAM let's party. dang i stayed there all day - DIDN:T get my hair done (another week of bad hair might get me fired) - and i got going so late i had to call and let mr.x know where i was You always do this FUck you i do not. i'm not allowed out of the house for 5 mins without 3 kids tagging along behind me god forbid you watch your own children for 15 seconds during your drunk days off work. anyway i got home, got more beer got drunk as hell and was hungover the next day. i couldn't eat i was crying my stomach hurt so bad. i wanted to puke NO i did puke, laid in bed from like 8:30 til 12:30 just crying and rolling around it hurt so bad. i had a migraine and yes masturbation is good for migraines .... unless you stop!

anyway i finally managed to drink a beer my kids had to bring it to me, just hair of the dog just trying to take the pain away. so i felt better after a coupla hours and proceeded to go out and get all lit up again. someone at the bar (the special sunday bar where you have to go if you live in the south and they don't sell alcohol on sundays) decided it was party day oh man i was high as a kite.

so i came home but went back for more beer and got drunk again. woke up at midnight in so much pain i could barely breathe. it hurt so bad and i have no more pills. so after a bout an hour and a half i fearfully looked at the clock - only 12:30. i thought BP is open. but no i couldn't have driven. i was in so much pain. called in sick monday AND tuesday cuz of course monday hair of the dog is pretty damn good - gotta have 2, then 4 plus a 6er -- hurting mon night too so tuesday was a no go.

i didn't drink i just cried. took good care of the kids. cleaned the house really well, did laundry, made marinated london broil, etc etc gave juju math worksheets etc etc fixed some furniture just a bunch o' shit. i'm glad i did so much that day. and how the hell did i miss ozzy?!!!!

i also found out a whole bunch of info on the internet (see links in a post below).
i also called the local health food store and found out that they have hormone tests, wild yam extract, and evening primrose oil.
i also went to storage that day and found my vitamins.
and yes, i have B complex, E, A, C, calcium, magnesium, vitamin O, and green barley.
i can also get colloidal minerals at dealer's price.

now i'm wondering if i should go to the doctor and get more pills or not?
should i get a hormone test and take it, or just try what i've learned & get better?

in a way, i really want to just get better, well that's all i want to do, but i really think i'm on to something, and i feel a need to prove that all my "weakness" and failing were actually real physical symptoms of a serious imbalance for which there is a cure.

what do you think?

oh god! maybe i need the lortabs after all. i am out of all my meds, no more pills. i had a fucked up weekend, just wanted one thing and ended up for so much more than i bargained for. didn't realize my timing: i had gotten sick in the middle of jan, but my period was actually due at the beginning of march... i wish all months had the same # of days in them.... 28!

damn i'm so sick. same old thing, only now it's getting worse, and takes longer to recover from. my stomach is just fucked up. this, however, just might save my life. my life sucks and i'm a big fat loser. well i'm not THAT big, but i do have fat on me. but i can't hate myself. i can't drown myself in guilty feelings or resentment. i have to care about myself ... much more than i already do. i have to care so much that i could never let this happen again. here i am so lonely, and feeling so empty, but i am here so there is life in the room because i exist wherever i go (thx austin!).... i can be with myself. it doesn't have to hurt so much. i can have some tea or watch tv, or read, or take down my design website cuz it looks like TOTALSHIT at 800x600 on the computer at work, even though it looks ok on my computer when i set it at that res. i wish my desk was in my room!!!

have to organize the kitchen cupboard and clean them out/ clean out the drawers and pack up the purple dishes. i'm making this for dinner. i saw lord of the rings, GAWD that was cool.

*off to do stuff ....*

ok ppl, i'm off the lortabs... thanks for your concern!

i ran out, then mr.x got L10's for his root canal, which made him puke, but then he took them all. anyway there are no more and i don't have the balls to call and ask for a refill. i also don't like them because they make me very grumpy!

have a good weekend y'all !!!

i had a really shitty week last week. started a new job only to find out they hired some 80-yr old woman permanently only to keep me temp. that's ok i'm not sure i wanna be there forever LOL--- had BAD stomach problems, designed a site for someone only to find out that IT LOOKS LIKE CRAP because what is supposed to be 785 pixels wide is apparently 1100 or some shit, FUCK -the software refuses to reduce the size either - he didn't like it fuck i hope he doesn't get someone else to do it. i wanna do it, even if i start over. no big. and yes i saw my "design" site and it too looks like a pile of fuck at 800x600. can't we just force people to have larger res? hehe i'm so bad.

anyway at least now i know why nobody even responds to my resumé -- once they see my gawdawful site they probably don't think i'm worth the time of day. DAMN!

just cleaned out nearly 300 emails out of my inbox damn that felt good!

partied too much this weekend god i LOVE beer but unless a good friend drops by w/a 12er of corona, there's really no reason to drink anymore. just takes my energy away :(

MUST begin a schedule and stick to it

MUST do my taxes

MUST finalize this divorce

MUST get a job i like

MUST redesign at least 4 of my websites, including this one!

MUST go to bed right now LMAO!!!!!

nitie nite ppl
sleep tight!

last week a couple of things happened. first, let me say that a lot of people (online and otherwise) are talking about their dreams. which makes me really happy i registered dreaming4ever.com and also motivates me to get working on it. also, i got both my books, Intuition and The Dream Game (which i already own) from BDalton online. it's strange, but they refused to ship to a po box, then when i gave my street address it accepted my order. now why wouldn't they ship to a po box when they're using the post office? they don't use ups. but anyway, i got a book at home, then the next time i checked my po box, i had something too big for the box.... yup it was the other book. my real address was crossed off and the po box was written on there. DUH isn't that strange?

also i was on my period over the weekend. yeah, i know, it's a yucky subject for everyone, but it's not a good time either, but it's especially bad because i have such an incredibly bad hormone imbalance that i'm nearly incapacitated for 3-5 days, and longer if i over-selfmedicate. you can guess what that means. not only that, but the weather was crappy and i did not accomplish a god damn thing. or any other thing for that matter. i was in a horrible mood today so decided to come home at 3:30. fuck it nobody else was there, except one atty on the phone (constantly!) and one other atty who didn't feel too good :( i swear that office is the sickest bunch of people i have ever seen. someone is ill every week. and there are only 9 of us. i haven't been feeling good either - i ran out of lortabs - i ate them all when mr.x was aggravating me one weekend and since i've run out i've had heart palpitations. at first they were strong and painful and they really scared me. i read a bit online about it saying that lortab withdrawals can last 7-10 days, but that the first 3 were the worst. well i'm not addicted, i only had a bottle of 20, which lasted me over a month anyway, not to mention that i gave some away. so i'm not all that bad off. some people take these things for years, but anyway, back to ME ------ well they started to fade after the first day, but i still get them and it's been 7 days. why am i getting them? am i overly dehydrated because of my period? maybe, i'm hoping that's all it is. i drank a pot of tea today (HERBAL, DUDE!) and a quart of water. i ate an orange and a salad. i brought a piece of candy home for juju. i had opened it and had it in my hand and i said, no i'm not going to eat this and i put it back and gave it to her. oh yeah i had some popcorn *hehe* almost forgot that part.

well anyway i'm worried about my health. i guess that's all i have to say about that. i need to clean out my car and vacuuuum it before the sun goes down. somebody write me something, send me a dream or something. oh, if any of you have database experience, please email me. i've got some, but need a few pointers. thx!

{hugz}

there has to be a way for me to get better without going to

ok so i've spent the ENTIRE weekend so far scanning photos and other stuff for personal use. I'M SO HAPPY! it's been so long since i've scanned stuff and i always have things to scan.

i've also been thinking a lot and coming up with some damn good thoughts. .... one of which is this: i spend my money on lots of small-priced stuff. and that's how it gets frivoled away. what i need to do is be a penny-pinching bitch, and save a bit, then spend my money on more expensive things. I could do it. I need to do it. I deserve the things that cost a couple thousand dollars, instead of 452 things that cost 7 dollars, assuming the total cost is the same over the same period of time..... do you see where i'm coming from?

also i think my free stats people are damn nearly outta business, or they just hate me. time to update my template, huh! ; )

anyway, i also did a ton of laundry, mended quite a few things, including my matress pad cover thingie and a sleeping bag that was ripped almost beyond repair. AND i sewed together a piece of fabric that i'm going to use to cover the bottom area of my bathroom closet where the water heater is. there are a bunch of shelves above the little water heater and then there's the water heater, where you can see the back of the shower and a bunch of crap that doesn't look good. i'm going to "finish" it by covering it with some fabric gathered at the top & bottom, much like a curtain, and some dowels that will go into the closet. it will look good when i'm done i tell ya. well i'm gonna read some of my favorite blogs IF THEY'VE POSTED ANYTHING LATELY :-Þ and then i'm going to watch MAD TV. see ya~

Jish asked me to say HI! to my webloggers webring neighbors.
» to the left of me: some things can only be seen in the dark.
» to the right of me: All That I Can't Leave Behind.

Male Bashing!

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcizing men?
They discovered they were throwing away the smartest part.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.

What is the difference between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says: "I'll really miss you"

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

it is becoming more and more apparent to me that we absolutely must teach parenting skills in our schools. that, AND [don't know what term to use] mind exercises. i mean MIND, like meditation, journal keeping, self-healing, forgiveness, self-love, reaching the higher self, studies about the inner child, dream interpretation, spiritual adjustment, concentration, intuition, consciousness, the subconscious, the nature of the universe, etc.... how else is EVERYBODY going to learn about these things? and if we don't? we're headed on a collision course with doom.

ok so i haven't been posting lately. basically my life is absolutely insane and yet it completely sucks at the same time. no money, must move out, no permanent job, must find one, get some freelance computer work, computer kills 3 monitors and new vid card is on the blink, can't get email, have AV probs, can't boot, can't get online, screen goes blank, client needs work NOW......get ulcer, get sick, throw up, slam water for six hours, puke violently for six hours, go to hospital, wait for person to admit me typing 20 wpm, sit in room for 45 minutes in extreme pain, nearly faint because room is blasting 900-degree heat, talk to doctor for 20 minutes, sit in room for 30 more minutes groaning to get attention, am diagnosed with severe dehydration and muscle spasms of the stomach/gastritis, get moved to bed and blanket :), get huge IV put in hand, get whole bag of fluids set to 1000 drip (done in an hr), get whole bag of muscle relaxers set to be done in about 20 mins, have involuntary loud conversation with stranger on other side of curtain who was actually talking to someone else on the phone, get strange look around the curtain from said stranger meaning i'm on the phone, tell him to "gethafukouttahere then" and get even stranger look, get overdosed on muscle relaxers causing severe cottonmouth, become too delirious to maintain consciousness, feel astral, pass out sideways on half-inclined hospital bed causing major neck and back pain for the next few days, throat becomes dried completely shut, wake up several hours later, can't talk, am given purple pill and glass of water, absolutely cannot swallow, can barely stomach eating or drinking anything -- even water, manage to take pill, am given big white dry pill, cannot swallow, am given cracker to help coat pill, cracker turns to sawdust in mouth, have mouth struggle for way too long, drink tiny bits of water, am given same pill crushed, take pill, pill dust coats entire back of tongue and lining of throat, oh joy!!, totally tastes like shit, feel completely delirious, see shadows nobody else can see, (know they were there), hearing is completely off, voice is even worse, am given lengthy repetitive instructions regarding prescriptions and expected to reply coherently, fail to do so, consider that everything they say is very unnecessary, try to stand, cannot, twist knee and nearly fall, walk home from hospital slowly then quickly (had to go pee), instructed not to eat or drink for 8-10 hrs, must help throat!, ponder whether tonsillitis is contagious thru new IV mechanism at questionable local hospital, barely manage tiny swallows of tea due to continuing symptoms of overdose, play with child, hours go by mysteriously, go to pharmacy, don't have prescription card, come home, get hassled but get card!, go back, pick up stuff for other people, get 4 bottles of meds, witness police officer wandering around aimlessly in parking lot - limping - then recognizing wierdo buddy and screaming and hobnobbing together, non-chalantly try not to run them over, come home, look at bottles of unknown medication, label medication myself, take lortab.......

CENTURY III
73

Quand dans le regne parviendra le boiteux,
Competiteur aura proche bastard,
Luy & le regne viendront si fort rogneux
Qu'ains qu'il guerisse son fait sera bien tard.

-Nostradamus

cleaned up the front room today IT LOOKS GREAT
gonna be in the 50's tomorrow ~OH YEAH
temping the rest of this week - YEE-HA!

shit, another chance of snow today. wonder if schools will close early.....

one thing: please remember that the word egg is pronounced "AIG" !

thank you.

does anybody have anything to say at all about anything?

dang, it was really cold last night! and now, at 10:00 in the morning, it's 38º in here. i'm going down to the gas co. with my credit card. fuck it !!!

Note: they don't take credit cards. :-Þ

well SOMEONE has broken the little film door to my $400 camera, the black heart locket i got last year AND one of the electric heaters. should i just put up a wishlist?

and also, for a redesign, do you have any preferences? anything anybody would like to see? lemme know!

why the fuck do i get calls like this?

*************************************
We cannot say that any one person in particular is responsible for the state of neglect into which our spiritual well-being has fallen. It is difficult to debate with any certainty that the level of spiritual consciousness of our society is worse now than it was one, or two hundred, or even two thousand years ago. Certainly, we cannot reasonably hold our parents, our teachers, or our obstetricians responsible for the fact that we cannot organize our lives in a manner that will ensure our ongoing personal and spiritual evolution. At the same time, accepting all the responsibility on our own shoulders seems equally unreasonable and unnecessarily guilt-provoking.

It is as though we have all fallen into a long and deep sleep of collective forgetfulness. From this sleepy fog, it is extremmely difficult to regain consciousness. The neglectful habits we have developed belong to all of us and so they do not seem to be habits at all, but rather the normal way of life of our day and age.
*************************************
---Intuition, 1999, Judy G.

happy holidays!

ok so i haven't posted in a while. i know i'm bad. but i was SICK. like i was starting to catch (and trying to fight off) a cold, and then i got sick. i got some kind of poisoning. god i threw up this fluoroscent orange shit for 7 hours, and was in bed for 3 days after that. yellow crystallized shit was coming out of my head, dried up in my hair (and no it wasn't puke cuz i took like 10 showers that night trying to settle my stomach). it all started around 10 pm. i just felt a little off. i had no idea what i was in for. it sucked cuz i'd take a shower, puke, not feel better, the water would run cold, then i'd puke in the sink, then run into the bedroom where it was fucking freezing, and get under the covers. then i'd feel sick, drink some water, and then try to hold it down, but like a rocket it would come up. if it had been over 30 mins or so i'd take another shower, but sometimes the water didn't last long. then sometimes i'd just wanna puke and lie down so i'd just go for the sink. i called him at work but no answer, not even the goddamn guard would fucking answer. i was trying to remember all the numbers in polymer, god i swear i was just gonna start calling randomly any dept to get an answer, but i figured maybe since i couldn't stop puking they wouldn't much understand me even if they did answer. so i could not settle my stomach, and trying to drink water was nearly impossible. i would gag it down and spit it out. my towel got soaked and there were no more towels (!)whatever(!) so i had to use that one. shit i was so tired and i couldn't sleep because my stomach kept feeling like it had to purge itself. and even after hours of puking, there was more puke! i drank a little water and the shower went cold again, so out to the sink, cuz looking at the tiny remnants of the old puke made it easier to heave the guts just enough to get things started once again. god i spewed mouthfuls and maouthfuls and sinkfuls and bucketfuls of this bright orange shit. at first i thought it was like fluoroscent orange juice, but the next day i dumped out a bucket and it looked more like antifreeze. maybe it was mutating. and it tasted like paint thinner. god i was gagging and crying and i couldn't breathe. i thought i'd inhale the shit because my stomach wouldn't stop spazzing. i fucking started having heart palpitations and i fainted in the shower. i woke up and i was talking to myself, having a dream about walking outside. too much steam maybe. dehydration. probably.

and the cold i was trying to fight off ended up being a terrible sinus thing that nearly split my head open the next day. but i couldn't take any of that sinus medicine while being so dehydrated so i just cried and tried to sleep. but i couldn't.

ok, well merry christmas~

---------------

The weekend sucked ass, so I don't really want to talk about it. I still have a few phonecalls and shit that I need to make, but I think I'll put those off until later. I can't believe the day has went by so fucking fast, I guess it does when you're actually doing something besides sitting on the computer all day.

---------------

yeah it does serra, how ironic...

---------------

Apparently at age 26, one hits a glitch in the time-space continuum which somehow triggers a rush of earlier categorized "inconsequential" memories that in fact, upon further review, were responsible for shaping the very existence of said 26 year-old. ...years later, I'm for some reason reflecting on these memories and realizing that the things we learn and remember are never the events we aim to experience, but the peripheral actions surrounding them.

---------------

so true matt, so true!

---------------

Someone IMed me while i was away just now.

GCrAcKeR713: your a person
GCrAcKeR713: don't answer
GCrAcKeR713: i found your site one on of my advantures for porn
GCrAcKeR713: i should be studying american history but
GCrAcKeR713: porn is a great american acomplishment
GCrAcKeR713: but then again i think i'll just hit my bong

See what i mean?

---------------

how come i never get im's like that ????

omg i hate stupid people #3

Merry Christmas, Ladies!
santa must be sore! Þ

ok so i'm totally fricken busy, and they want me for another week at the atty's office. i need a woodstove, although mr.x just went out and bought new heaters. one of them kinda sux, i think he oughta take it back. got to clean up in here really bad, had some company here lately (friends and not-so-friends) and well, it's kinda embarrassing ...

nobody's posting lately for one reason or another - fuxed-up blogs account for a variety of holiday problems it seems. ok well i'm off to write some flash. will post more later, esp this weekend ; )

see ya~

god damn! i scared myself. i got to typing when blogger was taking forever to load and i thought another of my sites had been stolen!

: )

...jeez i dont know, but that's a damn good question! what do YOU do with all YOUR aol cd's?

Gee, I wonder what The President is doing right about now.

looks like this guy has been a verizon dsl customer for way too long!
and yes i stole that link from fubar!

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE Part II

----- Original Message -----
From: kira
To: billingservices@verizon.net ; billing@bellatlantic.net
Sent: Friday, December 07, 2001 7:21 PM
Subject: Re: RE:Welcome to Verizon Online. [#1204202] KISS MY ASS

gee i'm sorry you don't fully understand my request. i didn't know the idiot who returned my last email would have completely deleted all pertinent information from the previous emails, which were all in line neatly and in reverse-chronological order under my request. this is the 3rd email i have sent.

i guess it's easier to say "we don't fully understand your request" than it is to say, "what is your user name and phone number?" because if you said that, you would actually GET the information you need so that you could STOP CHARGING MY CREDIT CARD.

my phone number at the time was 703.941.XXXX. look below for my user name, and note that you have charged my credit card AT LEAST two times. LOOK UP THE DATES AND THE AMOUNTS YOURSELF i'm not giving you my credit card number and i'm not calling the 800 number and waiting on hold for 40+ minutes unless you pay me for my time. you have better access to your billing department than i do.

look at my user name. that's who i am. that's the account we're talking about. look at my email address. it's the same person. it's all me. it's pretty easy to understand. i signed up for one free month and i fucking canceled. i owe you nothing, yet i continue to be charged, and i am pissed. i want all the money you've TAKEN from me returned at once. please don't delete this information so a fourth person can say how they "don't understand my request." i should sue you for all the irreparable damage you've done to my computer, all the problems i've had from this one order, the money i've spent plus interest, and all the time it is taking me to complete a simple transaction, namely a cancellation. i hope someone files a class-action lawsuit against you. i will surely throw a kegger on that day whilst i have my dog pee on a logo or other similar depiction of your company. what the fuck does "verizon" mean anyway? shoulda named yourselves "vercrapd-on" because that's what your customers get.

NOTE: here is the information taken directly from the other emails i've sent:

Dear Verizon,

my credit card was charged on 10/17 and I would like a refund. This was supposed to be a FREE month of service, then I was offered 2 MORE MONTHS FREE, but relocated to an area that does not have DSL yet. I have gotten my return sticker in the mail and will send back the equipment, but I do want a refund. Thank you.

~kira

----- Original Message -----
From: Verizon Online
To: f.bitch2@verizon.net
Sent: Thursday, September 27, 2001 3:04 PM
Subject: Welcome to Verizon Online.

Get familiar with the tools and features of Verizon Online.

Thank you for selecting Verizon Online as your Internet Service Provider.
Now you can go wherever you want on the Internet for information on
entertainment business, sports, travel, online shopping and more.

To help you make the most of each minute you spend online, below are a
few helpful features you can find on our home page at
http://home.bellatlantic.net

· Set up an Email Viewer
(http://webmail.bellatlantic.net/login/bellatlantic/login.jhtml)
account to retrieve your email from any computer with an Internet
connection. So, when you're traveling, you'll always have access
to your Verizon Online email.

· Click on My Account (http://home.bellatlantic.net/members.cgi)
to manage your Internet account online. Here you can change your
password, see the number of hours you've been online, view copies
of your billing statements. Be sure to visit the My Account area
regularly for the latest news about updates and enhancements to
the service.

Our Internet professionals are available - 24 hours a day - every day -
to answer your questions and provide assistance. If you ever have a
problem or experience technical difficulties, feel free to give us a
toll-free call at 1 800-567-6789.

Welcome to Verizon Online. Please look for future email messages that
will provide useful tips on searching and surfing the Web with Verizon
Online.

______________________________________________________________________________________

----- Original Message -----
From: billingservices@verizon.net
To: f.bitch2@verizon.net [my old address *hehe* Þ]
Sent: Friday, December 07, 2001 6:35 PM
Subject: RE:Welcome to Verizon Online. [#1204202]

Thank you for your recent email. We do not fully understand your request. Please provide clarification so we can further assist you.

Should you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to email billing@bellatlantic.net.

Sincerely,
Brian Cummings
Customer Service Representative
Verizon Online Sales and Services Center

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

i remember when we first moved here and i dialed 411 one day, to get a number. well nothing happened. it said "your call cannot be connected." [pause] "0278" or some crap where they number the recordings or some shit. my friend later told me that you have to dial a 1 first, so the # is actually 1-411. NOW WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THE RECORDING SAY THAT? [note: in addition, why aren't the woodruff schools listed in the spartanburg county school listings? (different phone company that's why. gte & prtc are separate companies and decided not to list some of each other's numbers -- BASTARDS!) but that's another subject...] back to 411 and why the recording is SO LAME!

i called the phone company to see. i had to call asheville and was on hold for over ½ hour before i hung up. why are people so stupid? how do they keep their jobs? and why is stupid shit allowed to penetrate society and perpetuate itself making an eternity of misery for intelligent people like myself?

***

i was in greenville on monday and desperately needed to contact the wdrf post office. i called information, which is now just 411 (see?) and they gave me a number...232-something. i called and got ace hardware. i said i needed the post office, and he said he could transfer me, which he did, only this wasn't the woodruff post office, it was a greenville post office. so i called back, the operator couldn't help me so she gave me to the supervisor WHO TOLD ME I NEEDED THE "OTHER" WOODRUFF OPERATOR. i shit you not. she said to call information back, and just tell the operator that i need the "other woodruff operator." i told her that 411 states that it can help you find a number ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY, and i thought woodruff was a pretty damn small city for the united states to split off into regions covered by other operators, but she insisted. the two operators i called after that told me they HAD NO IDEA WHO THE "OTHER WOODRUFF OPERATOR" WAS and that they HAD NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE. i thought maybe the wdrf po simply doesn't list their number, much like the DMV (don't get me started on them), although i KNOW i've seen people there answer the phone when i've been there in line. so anyway, i came home and looked up the number. 476-2221 DUH how the fuck hard was that?

now that i have the number, should i call back from work tomorrow and totally fuck with somebody until they find the same number and/or then proceed to bitch them out completely?

what would you do?

blogger just zapped me. completely closed the window and fucked up my lovely post. damn ev, why don't you fix this damn thing instead of writing about the fucking thompson twins huh? JUST KIDDING it was actually ie5.5 which i just reinstalled AGAIN last night because i absolutely HATE the fucking dns error page it shows and deleted it causing a host of errors i won't even go into, all on my being hired for fantastic job that will take all weekend if not more..... [note: it's taking more]

fucking credit union restricted my account and didn't tell me. it was overdrawn for a couple months while i was away, but i was told i had to zero it out before i could close it AND i had to close it in person. i didn't have the money, but i asked if it could be "frozen" somehow and was told no. well they froze it. i moved back oct 30, and i decided not to close the account because i had bills to pay, so i called them (november 1st, i believe) to make sure i could start writing checks after i made a deposit, and was told, "of course you can write checks if your account has a positive balance." well when you deposit to a restricted account, the computer is supposed to tell them to get mgr's approval or to notify me/them/everyone/jerry cantrell somehow, but their computers were down that day so i got a handwritten receipt and they phoned the deposits into columbia. someone in columbia should have told them to call me. i'm so pissed. my visa pmt bounced and the manager is refusing to write me a letter stating that although i had funds in my account, i had not been notified that my account was restricted, nor was the manager alerted when i made deposits. so i'm expected to pay a $29 late fee to the credit card company because i can't get the letter from the credit union. she says she saved me $60 in fees so that is enough. she said she would write me a letter saying that my account was restricted because of overdrafts or something, but that doesn't really help me now does it. [note: they bounced every check i had written (which was 3), but the bitch didn't tell me that when i had her on the phone -- TWAT!]...........[nother note 12/4/01: the fucking $60 she thinks she saved me was ACTUALLY THE CHECKS I HAD THE MONEY FOR, i.e., the three that i just complained about! She didn't save me a dime, but she DID fuck up my entire bank account. GOD WHAT AN INBRED!

besides, i had a lot of overdraft fees from bounced checks, before they froze my account, because i was told they couldn't freeze my account! what about all those overdrafts? i had to pay for those. i'm getting more pissed now. damn, you really do get what you pay for.

checking account at credit union = $0
late charge to credit card company = $29
living in america where i can write a scorching letter to the credit union and cc: the top executive = priceless!

TRUST NO ONE

omfg @ ru!

----- Original Message -----
From: RuPaul
To: ~kira
Sent: Sunday, December 02, 2001 11:18 PM
Subject: Re: blog

on 12/2/01 1:49 PM, ~kira at y2kira83@hotmail.com wrote:

OH I LOVE IT !!!

you have a weblog!

and it's so
classy! oh, now i must read
on...

~kira

you smell
good.
ru.

please read!

new virus (worm) as of 11/26 = W32.Badtrans.B@mm

info
patch

manual instructions:

run live update
run full scan
manually purge registry [START- RUN- type in "regedit"](search for all mentions of files found by AV app one at a time - then delete them from the right pane)
reboot
run full scan again
change passwords

NOTE: if you run the patch, reboot and re-run the patch. you should be ok by then. if the patch does NOT work, then follow the manual instructions.

omfg !! i don't believe raybiez mentioned me in his resignation as a cracker! god what a sweetie!

monitor problems are still not over but at least i'm online. no computer work as of yet this week so that's good. trying to talk to client nearly impossible. working/actually driving home late - don't know what's up w/home life either. are you getting any of this? mylifeisatotalfuckingdisaster.com

yes but i'm ok baby~

had to take dog to hospital yesterday then got call for emergency temp work. auto & workers comp attys for a week or two. and what with the monitor problems (i seemed to have injured a 3rd monitor) i'm just not gonna be posting here a lot. got to get that straightened out. i got a bad vid card i think. dang i hate it when you open something up and you can tell it's been used before. the bag wasn't taped down and the cd jacket was all messed up. is the card bad? hell if i know. i'm off...

ok i reinstalled windows and my computer was happy. i put the two 256mb sdrams in there and then there was a ploblem, namely, that when i boot i don't get my active desktop until like 5 minutes later when i hit start--windows explorer. then and only then do i see my proper background and all my desktop icons. WTF?!!! why doesn't ANYTHING work? and YES i took them out and the ploblem remained, so i reinstalled windows a 2nd time today and the computer is once again happy, which is only seems to be because i am in such a bad mood. and the new monitor, IT DIED. so now i have 2 bad monitors and 2 fucking 256mb sdram sticks i'd like to shove up somebody's corn pipe. ya know, i once dropped a cigah ash on the carpet.......

damn computer. i hate it when shit happens. i hate it when i have to fuck with my computer all day and it still doesn't work. i know the lawnmower man lives in there I JUST FUCKIN KNOW IT!

omg the red just went out in my monitor. i have a feeling santa's comin' early..... : )

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

we cut wood all day and cleaned the house. cooked a turkey and a ham and all the other stuff, but it was by far the most relaxing day i've had in a while. i got a small plate and was full ½ way into it, but i finished it anyway, improperly combined as it was. i'm running a bath now. i'm gonna go lie in it and fart up a storm.

ok so things went well at work. 3 days of real estate law, not bad. Word is so easy to figure out. but GOD after being in a nice heated room it's hell coming home. the house is pretty cold.... how cold? well it's 54 in here right now. hard wood floors and ceramic tile don't help either. next week working for tax office, computer stuff. that's cool. been working on major rush photoshop job since friday night and wouldn't ya know it? as soon as i get the files done the client's server goes down. no ftp. he has JUST shut off aim when he knew i was completing the work and now his email has been returned. is this bad? it was due last night but technically he didn't need them until tonight at the latest. but hey, i wanna give him a chance to look them over and give myself a chance to fix whatever need fixing BEFORE tonight. ya know? damn this has been such a stress job, he didn't even tell me i HAD to have v6.0 until sun night, and i had to go to work monday morning. so i've been stressing a golden egg out my ass, will have to sell it on ebay if i can't make money off this project. hell then after i was done (the first time) he send me a large image, "no i want it like this" WELL why didn't ya say so? i don't know, he's very calm and i hope that's a good sign. online communication can be difficult. oh someone's on aim......*fingers crossing*...

I COULD BE AN ADORABLE LOSER, COULDN'T I?
hi guys!

hearts & hugs to abby

Our hearts and hugs go out to Abby, whose husband Chris was just killed a few days ago, in a deer hunting accident. A sweet guy, a friend and coworker, it is definitely too soon for him to go. I hope family & friends are close now, because this is when she's going to need them most.

run your mouse over the heart to read the alt text

LIVING IN THE 00'S

You know you're living in the 00's when:

1. You wouldn't know how to play solitaire with real cards.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You e-mail people who work at the desk next to you.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
5. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
6. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
7. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
8. Your company's logo is attached to the building with Velcro.
9. Your resume is on the hard drive of your work computer.
10. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jpg's and mp3's.
11. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long term service awards.
13. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
14. Food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
16. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
17. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
18. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you forward it anyway.

sent to me by Danelle, i thought it was cute~

if you live in the woodruff area GO TO BI-LO they have huge triangle slices of Brie for $1.50 !!!!! multi-orgasmic! on that note please click the moving button under the flowers especially if you are female ; ) -- more to come (hahaha pun intended!)

more more - the school sends me a note, apparently jakie did something at school and instead of discussing it with me they send me a note that basically says "we want to hit your kid." someone restrain me... then i get a note from jazz that we are discouraged from walking our children into the class to talk to the teacher. what kind of communication are they trying to promote? answer: none. it's scary to live in a place where everyone is stupid. teachers, cops, cashiers, judges, attorneys.......

speaking of attorneys i'm starting a job monday typing for an atty. i'm supposedly a Word expert. ok, like i used it to do my resumé. that's about it. oh and i had to import shit from Word into the door when i worked on that project, so that's all i've really done. however, i did get a 92% on the Word test, so they think i'm an expert. i'm only gonna be typing....i wish i could wear jeans~!

got my closet all organized. gonna have to have a HUGE yard sale to get rid of all the crap i don't want. why do i have a magenta linen suit? i don't fucking know.

more more - another upsetting thing is happening. i think it's a joke but i don't know. i don't want to bring it up. i hate this kind of thing.....

i'm very sorry i have not been writing. gonna start temping (that's a small relief) and it's cold in here. i will write more I PROMISE but for now you have to check this out!

damn Ev, you're such a killjoy...

I HOPE EVERYBODY HAD A HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

happy halloween!!!

I DID !!!

note: i will put back my old template with the flowers and the links, and i'll fix the comments when i can.

oh fuck!!!. what the fuck is going to happen now? when it rains, it fucking shits! god these fucking comment codes are driving me nuts! fuck fuck fuck

ok people, my trusty readers, raiders of my thoughts: i am going offline now. i now have to go face up to my life. i will be back. possibly monday ONLY if i feel like it. yeah, that's it.
i am totally unable to do ANYTHING to this log except edit this one farking post so this is it, baby. like it or get the hell out.
randy's gf really did send him a teddy bear at work! it was so cute, but i'm going to delete that part. actually this could be a lie. you don't really know now do you? do you care? god what a rambler i am.
yes i want to crawl under the covers until 2003.
many of you are asking, and i know you give a shit so read this: ian oops i mean mr.ex and i are splitting up for a number of reasons. we have changed or maybe we just aren't compatible. it's not that he's so bad or i'm so bitchy (!) but we need some space and we need to be friends. we were getting there but now that's gone. unlike me, he has always been very outgoing, hard-working, responsible, friendly and, of course, he's a phenomenal musician. he is also very sensitive. more so than most people when it comes to certain things. and defnitely more so than he gave me credit for. if i told him i felt a certain way, he would say i was lying or not change the was he was treating me. but if he feels the very same way, then all hell breaks loose if we don't jump to attention. he can be very cruel, which is something he says i am, which is totally untrue. i have such an intense ability to feel sympathy and empathy that it is hard for me to read the paper or watch the news because i can become quite disturbed. we had a lot of things in common, but some of those things you shouldn't have in common with your mate. i posted his email about the custody and visitation agreement because i thought it was very well written and intelligently thought out. it was also very expressive. he is not usually in touch with his feelings that well, and email gives you that option. you can sound like a dunce, or be as eloquent as shakespeare. needless to say, i haven't answered him because there's no way i could do it that well. we are in the midst of working things out and all this shit had to happen on our daughter's birthday. yes maybe i shouldn't male bash an individual i'm trying to be friends with. sometimes i don't do what i'm supposed to, which is not good. sometimes i see things though my own twisted perception filter. (it's a photoshop thing, you have to mail order it.) but for all your "caring" and "wondering" and "thinking" you have just completely fucked up what could have been. a good weekend. a nice visit. some work done. some progress. i hope you're happy, because you have no idea what awaits you. smile now while you still have the chance....

oh what a time for blogger to go down.
ok still not working.....

hmmmmmmmmm~

well now i'm getting emails to the effect of: it wasn't me, other people use my computer, etc etc., like i can even believe anything anybody says anymore. mr. you know who is so pissed about all my posts. it's funny how some people can be SO sensitive about thier own feelings, but when the tables are turned, they seem to have forgotten what it's like to be hurt or feel pain ... or feel anything at all. and if you complain, then you're the bitch. you're stifling somebody's creativity. you you you it's always you. it's never him. you know i feel bad and i will change a few things, things i suppose i knew would be bad for people to read, but the bottomline is that this is my site and i can write what i want to. it is only because i want to get along with certain people that i will rearrange a few things.... because i know what it's like to be hurt. it's not good.

note: first of all, the person who's hurt is the mr. you know who, not the idiot that wrote me the letter. DUH people go away now. next of all, i feel i have to say this: if you come here, take what i say with a grain of salt. if you don't like it, then go away and don't come back. same with every other site. we shouldn't have to TELL you this shit. i made a serious effort to transfer this log elsewhere but it won't go. blogger just loves to fuck me. loves to!

and the comments are down (side issue). i have now decided that i'm not going to take this site down. i have a lot of bad things going on in my life right now and i need this place. i use it. it helps me. it wasn't meant to hurt anyone else or give any sicko their jollies. i really shouldn't have put some things down that involve other people because now they wonder what does everyone think? i think people must think i'm crazy, but then again i am. regardless of that, it's more other people's business if they wanna tell the world about something, not my place to decide for them. so i'm sorry. and i'll be filling up this space with more of my own shit and less twisted tales about my failed interactions with others. ~kira

CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS, PEOPLE

what does this mean? it means that if you fuck with someone long enough, he will get you back. it means that i don't remember wanting to fuck jerry cantrell, although i could use a back massage. it means that someone i considered a friend told mr. you know who about my rants etc. and now he's all pissed off. wanted me to promise him shit, like i won't use his name and won't say bad things about him. i guess being beaten in your sleep for years doesn't allow you any extra freedoms, or, well, any freedom at all. i guess i'm not even allowed to have a blog because it might hurt someone's feelings...someone who rarely if ever took my feelings into consideration.

it also means that i spent a fucking eternity fixing this god damn template, only to have blogger fuck my java all to hell. other people use the fucking comment counter, why can't i? GOD DAMN i am SO not the queen of css. fuck me runnin'

SO MOTE IT BE~

here's what people do at work

----- Original Message -----
From: randy.west@nstarch.com
To: f.bitch2@verizon.net
Sent: Thursday, October 18, 2001 1:09 PM
Subject: Just between us

We work with Ian and love to keep secrets from him.
Everyone should be so lucky.

Love the web site.
website is one word.

Ian use to carry some good sexy pictures of you.
I know.

He really would not let us see them very well.
and now we know why.

Think you could help us out and send us a couple of sexy pictures.
uh, no.

Too bad u moved out of town because I think we could have gotten into some wild and kinky things.
Really? You had a thought?

If you could send the pictures we would be very appreciative.
Who the fuck is "we" anyway?

I thought the pictures of you on the site were very hot.
There you go thinking again. I thought it was funny when your girlfriend sent a teddy bear in a balloon to you at work.Think you could help us out and send us a couple of her email addresses?

IMPORTANT NOTICE:
This email is confidential, may be legally privileged, and is for the
intended recipient only. Access, disclosure, copying, distribution, or
reliance on any of it by anyone else is prohibited and may be a criminal
offence. Please delete if obtained in error and email confirmation to the
sender.
oh, no way. this email has permission to be legally privileged?

note: randy wrote me and said it's not him. i had gotten a 2nd email after this one asking if i had gotten the first one. maybe i should have replied so that would have alerted someone to this email situation. also, i wonder if he notices what's been sent from his address. i wanted to tell the supervisor so bad, but i know he's had some real-life things to deal with lately and i didn't want to bother him with my problems even though it would have been a logical course of action. see? always screwed by the fates.">

IT'S JAZZ's BDAY!!! WOO-HOO

the kids were all wrapping up presents (consisting of their own video games and homemade drawings) for her last night. i got her some wild ÇLôZ she's gonna love them. gave her the purple shirt this morning with a note happy bday love mom on one of my y2kira post-its! AH the joys of living with your 3 kids in one fucking room at your mother's house. *hehe* i don't care - we are a lot closer now. jazz is going on field trip for music. i told her i don't like those school busses. fuck that they are all death traps but she's been waiting, she's be wai=aiting......*hums: chop a line for the man in the back cuz he wants one. YA know YA KNOW YA GOT-TA......* ok has nothing to do with school field trips there (LET'S HOPE!) just always have music in my brain. had a dream about jerry last night. *grin* ok ok, it's not bad, he was a masseus(sp?) at a circus. and i bought him some hard candy but he was too busy talking to Layne to give me the time of day. i know, i know, WHATEVER!

ok well now somebody farted so i'm off. let zazz check her email from daddy~
note: daddy sent ms. zazz $200, just for the record.

oh hell now i'm forgetting all the shit from last week.. jakie was King Jake for a day. (note: why oh WHY! can't the fucking teachers make a proper capital "J"??? CROSS THE FUCKING THING! yes yes i know my font on here might not do it, but that's a FONT. your handwriting ought to be a little bit better.)

OK other news:

NEW AB FAB holy shit i'm amped up for that.
someone stole my domain (y2kira.com) and put up a crappy casino (don't got there too many popups/registry changes)
ian's co-worker is writing to me asking me to email naughty pictures to him at work (where ian also works) please someone comment on this crap for me and yes i'll post the letter if i get enough responses
halloween is coming up and i'm thinking of a redesign because whenever i'm playing with illustrator everything comes out black and orange so i might just go with it
danelle seems to be doing ok
my friend moon still refuses to return my emails or phone calls like it's my fault jerry's a bitch!
a totally unrelated jerry won't return my emails either. but if it took me 3 hours to type a word, i probably wouldn't either!
had a dream about my friend john. will post that asap (soon as i build the page !lmao)
new redesign, what do you think hmmm?
more crap i have to add so i will be changing this post later

a lot has happened since last week and i haven't been posting any of it. i'm debating whether to post anything at all anymore. have to go right now...

the new version of windows media player is a trip!

also, does anybody have a tweakui for win2k? WRITE ME!

you know it's funny, i was just looking at the new "dark angel" edition of TV Guide, and inside is a tribute to Barbara Olson, famous person from the DC area who died in the plane that hit the pentagon (flight 77 was it?) and it tells of her scathing book "Hell to Pay" against Hillary Clinton, and how Kenneth Starr was guest at her house often. How Hillary actually mentioned her group as "far right-wing (insert something bad)" on a tv show. Then i remember back at all the newspapers before Sept. 11th. They had pictures and titles and even stories that almost showed that everyone knew it was going to happen. not that i think everyone knew, but it was SO eerie going thru the papers a few days after, looking for articles i might have wanted to save or something i circled, and seeing the illustration of biting sharks under airplanes for a column about... what i can't remember. articles about safety, the economy, flying! all kinds of things. business, the president's popularity. i don't know, it all tied in somehow to the events of the 11th, just like that traffic thing that happened to me on monday the 10th. it all meant something. but what i didn't know and the thought of saving all those papers and cutting them out and scanning them etc, i just threw them away. i just had to let it go.

but yesterday, i was looking at a paper some guy handed me as i waited at a red light taking juju to dr's office for ear infections last time, and it said shoot the neighbor's cat. it's about how the attacks could have only been carried out by americans and so we're freaking out by attacking the middle east, and we're also being lied to, which i thought was ridiculous (not being lied to, of course). anyway, after reading about Barbara's battle with Hillary, the idea seemed more believable. let's see if i can dig up the link. here it is of course, being the pack rat i am, i now wish i would have saved all those newspapers. it was so freaky at the time i hd to put them down. then the next day it wasn't as freaky and i just let it go. feel free to comment...

i went running yesterday to this total cavern down the street. it's like traffic jam, go 100 feet down a path, total wilderness. i ran for about 20 minutes, it was all cobblestones and streams, kudzu and thorny stuff. it was like an army obstacle course! it was great but i got my shoes all wet. jazz said later that her teacher saw me walking home. great! i bet he thought: what a hag! went downtown for interview, took over an hour to find parking place, there was an anthrax scare and all the buildings evacuated, i got blisters on my feet from walking down to feed the parking meter constantly, and got a ticket anyway! but! i aced all their tests and they seemed to really like me.

put memory in my computer this morning! woo-hoo xtra 256 makes me happy!

my legs hurt. fell asleep watching The Nona Tapes, and had a dream that ian found someone new and was TOTALLY dissing me. like totally started lying and ignoring me, going away and not returning my calls etc etc and i thought How Fucked! Not only did I put up with your shit for years, but when we split, I made it as easy as I could for you... bought all new bathroom shit, gave you pots and pans and groceries, kept all your guitars safe, let you come over or mostly drove the kids over etc etc, then i let you move back in, causing the same problems as before so then i moved out, and now i drive 500 miles to let you visit the kids and i'm all worried about you and your situation and your feelings, and then you go and do THIS?!!! it's true, i could be breaking my back to ease his pain, and he could just up and forget that we're trying to be nice to each other. he could just start treating me like total shit and there would be nothing i could do about it. then i would REALLY feel used. i'm trying so hard right now to make it easy on him. and he needs me oh-so-bad right now (not like oh baby)... but that could change and once everything's final he could turn into somebody i wish i never knew and i'd still have to go with our agreement. makes ya think doesn't it?

Does Sean really hit the other guys with leather and cologne?

let's see if any of you can get the fucking favicon to work.

Letter from hubby:

Yeah, Happy Monday to you too. Thanks for the little movie. Where was Juliette? To agree on visitation is hard for me because of the limited scope of it. I have to think hard on this. I can't help but think your lawyer wants me to agree to something I don't have to agree to. And....no I'm not really happy with what you propose, but I will take it if that's all I can get. I know it is a big commitment for you to make the big drive even once a month down here and I can't really feel that I should ask you to do more than that because of the distance involved, but damn, I don't think I like that you put this much distance between us in the first place. I know that you had limited options as far as employment and living arrangements, and that free rent is a good thing, but still.....It makes me real unhappy....Please understand, when I say real unhappy it is not just empty words I'm throwing out. It is REALLY hard to get used to not being around one's children! I don't know how you're gonna react to this, but how would you feel if the situation was reversed? I question if life is worth living almost every day because of this. Sometimes it's hard to convince myself that it is. Ain't no "Oh well, life goes on!!Happy Happy La la la la ". Am I such a bad person that I really don't deserve to enjoy the company of my kids? Is this what I get? I know I have made mistakes, but I think it's unfair. I think it's really unfair. And how do you feel about it? Do you feel "Oh well , that's just too bad for you. You should have never messed with me. Now I'll just take care of what I need and whatever situation you are left with, I guess you just gotta deal with it."? Sometimes that's the way it feels to me. You got a lawyer so that you can legally get what you want. What about what I want? What do the kids want? Does that matter?

got to clean out the attic so we can put boxes of shit up thar~ blechy-poo-o'rama

I NEED YOUR HELP. CHECK IT

no i'm not religious, but i was helping these people out before i had to leave town so suddenly, so i figured i'd get them at least started. it needs more work, i know, but i'm taking a break from it and i'm sure something will come to me over the weekend.

just heard from one of my friend's kids last night - seems he wrecked yet another vehicle, fucking himself up royally, and he musta been drunk because the cops had to call the kids. damn i feel for those kids, but i don't wanna get all wrapped up in that. i was thinking about visiting him next year, but lemme just tell ya right now: there are no sparks and i'm not in the mood to fight off a(nother) friend who's trying to get in my pants. god knows i'm the loneliest fucker alive, but i don't sleep with somebody just because they're there. i wish i could! i'd have lots more sex than i do now! (hint ANYTHING plus 0 = more) but sheesh, some guys are just friends. and he's good looking and all. loves to party. good sense of humor. i've known him forEVer, but no. i don't get hot when i hear his voice. there's no chemical reaction when i think about him. it just isn't there. you know, that special something that excites you about a person? i mean, i LIKE him, he's nice. he's my friend. he's a little messed up in the head from all his wrecks (brain damage a bit) and all the meds he's on for broken parts that are still broken, but he can still carry on a conversation. he's really a wild person too, which is kinda scary, but he's got nice kids. i think he's basically a good guy, but just not gonna be my guy. it's sad too. i mean, like with my soon2B-ex, i coulda been having a good ol'time fuckin his brains out and all, but i just wasn't into it. not like i'm frigid--- well maybe a little with him cuz i really hated him, he hit me way too much over the years and well, sex always hurt, but anyway --- i'm gonna go do chores or something. fill out rebate shit for my cell phone & ethernet card LMAO. check out the young cable guy my mom's hassling right now. *hehe*

note: i'm going to put up links, i swear i am

FUCKING EMERGENCY!

listen, if i have emailed you in the past few weeks, please download THIS and run it NOW!
sorry.....

jerry you did used to be funny, but you still got it in ya! now write to me!

INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS and other news....

first of all can i say that i love Henry Rollins? i thought so....

ok next... update: i spent the 4-day weekend (friday + sat/sun AND columbus day) at "the house." ya know, after being gone for over a month and going back, i swear it looks like it would be SO EASY to fix up. it's really just a lot of small things (hole in wall, broken window pane, maybe a bad outlet or two)-- yes not one BUT TWO -- then the obvious, paint & new carpet. i bet he could get 160 EASY. hell i could acid wash the tile floor AGAIN and have Wedge do the hardwood floors and WA_BAM! get an agent and he'd be good to go...

ok saw atty on monday. hung over as all hell. god i thought i'd puke just driving there. somebody's tire exploded and shot rubber gas into the car fuck i had to hold my breath for fear of puking on my lovely silk suit - sleeveless black and white wrap, but the pants (size 6) that were tight when i bought'em are like 2 inches too big now (3 weeks later). i oughta takem back but i love the top!!! ok got fucking drunk the entire weekend, after not drinking for quite a while (like several weeks is quite a while for me). now i'm in the habit of needing a beer or two once it hits late afternoon, and i've gotta get out of that habit because 1. it's too dang expensive 2. it's too fattening by itself not to mention after i'm all hungry from being buzzed 3. good things happen to me when i'm not drinking 4. i hate waking up all yucky 3. it's a fucking waste of my time

anyway, still waiting to hear about job(s) ... have one more check coming from the last job. can't afford groceries, but child support will be kicking in after we go to court. i neeed to win the lottery.. oh yeah i bought a ticket last night. better check up on that -

jazz was voted and won an award for (?) being class president. she's also playing the recorder, the viola, in "chorus" (does that mean choir?) and other things i'm sure. went to nature refuge (wetlands that look like the backyard at the house) with jake yesterday. felt like crap and it was cold. somebody told him i'm ugly and he told me on the bus. i swear i felt like crying for a second, then realized i wasn't smiling or anything and probably did look like shit. plus kids are honest. i felt bad for jake though. then i took note of how i saw the kids. there were ugly kids / poorly dressed ones, too. kids who looked stupid or had bad snot in their nose. kids who looked like they'd misbehave. kids who stared at me and didn't think a thing of it. i realized i'm weak and have no confidence, but that i also judge people based on the way they look as well. i'm not as ugly as some of those kids! ...... (sorry, but hey!) anyway i tried to smile more and was nice to the 4 kids in "my" group. each parent had about 4, there were like 20 kids there, 3 or 4 parents and the teacher. plus another class the same, but they stayed separate from us. we walked out into the wetland, which had a very nice deck-like walkway and talked about nature. first thing the guide asked us is "what is this vine?" kids were like "a vine"... "a plant" i was like "poison" yup, poison. thanks dude, after having purple thighs and getting 0.3 hours sleep per night for like 7 weeks and taking chlorox baths i think i remember that shit. anyway, i gave jake my outer sweater and only had on my jeans and black turtleneck. hence, i was freezing. my boobs must have been standing up because the teacher tried to get me to wear her coat! but i said no because my hair falls out so bad i didn't want her to have all my curly red hair all over her. i get embarrassed about things like that. anyway, my group was good, and asked me quetsions and i played with jakie. he wasn't embarrassed to hug me or let me hug him or kiss him. he was really good. we played and laughed and ignored the teacher and guide *hehe* i swear i am SO 15 years old sometimes. by the end of the walk, the other kids were holding my hand and talking to me a lot. jake was rough-housing with some boys but it was all cool. then we had lunch and this adorable girl sat with us and was really cool. jake should get to know her better! we shared food and i traded my doritos for popcorn, but then jake took my popcorn so we played trying to throw it into each other's mouths. yeah after ham samwich it was kinda gross looking in there. jake drank a bunch of milk and did a wet forced burp in my ear on the bus. oh i got pissed. then we were talking about roach eggs and taco bell internet stories on the way back with a mexican boy and he was really cool. we were laughing and shit i didn't care. we were the loudest ones on there just about. then i had jake find addresses and read building & street names on the way back. at a red light he read 3 businesses, but then we took off and he had to hurry up. he read the ISLE CENTER FOR COSMETIC SURGERY as the SILLY CENTER FOR COS-TUME-ETIC SSSS-UGAR even the teacher was busting up. i'm so glad he's a loving boy now. he used to never let me say i loved him or hug him, he would get so upset because ... well because we were mean to him. at least he thought so. he would get into trouble and i'd yell at him or spank him or give him soap. and ian was a tyrant.... holding him down with his little arms under ian's legs--squatting over jakie's chest and holding a toy up over his head LAUGHING out loud as my son couldn't stop crying. .... ok not a good thought HOW COULD I LET THAT GO ON SO LONG? god i swear i tried!!!! i tried to freelance and start getting some money, you know what i got? a lot of competition from people who already HAD a job, people who FINISHED college, who somehow GOT a degree in website type stuff right as soon as it came out. it didn't used to be a subject even ! people who have all kinds of shit, money, time, no kids, no violent psychopath, people who actually SLEEP at night in their own beds not having to hide in other rooms with their gun all night..... yeah i did a website redesign for a dragonball Z page, FOR A TWELVE YEAR OLD!!! a fucking week's worth of work for $30. that's what i got. oh god i'm upset have to go. i'm adding the middle of this anyways right now, the rest (below) is already typed. so read on.... *clicks Post & Publish and walks away from computer as tears keep rolling down...*

ok enough enough gotta clean the attic so we can get the 18000 boxes of shit off my mom's floor cuz the cable guy is coming on sat and she wants the place clean. i guess having me & my 3 kids here living in ONE ROOM isn't enough to clean the boxes off all the couches, recliners living room floor and entire family room floor, but hey, who am i to hand out priorities right now eh?

anyway, back to the attorney, what a mess. final hearing in a couple months, don't like some of the agreements, and the fact she's charging "3 or 4 more hours" hell that means like another $800 bill or more. gee thanks, woman, nice diamonds all over ya.... attorney said we have to meet ½way with the kids and drop them off to the other person who's also waiting ½way, which, when ya think about it, still means i'm driving 500 miles cuz i still gotta go back home. why should both of us drive 500 miles? plus he's a TERRIBLE driver and has that damn big truck he can't drive that is an easy tipper.... he needs to sell that damn truck and get something better/cheaper... throw some $$ into the house and sell that first thing in the spring. HAH i told him last year i wouldn't spend another winter in that house, and i fucking meant it. see men, we do mean what we say....believe me now?

yeah i guess that about wraps it up.

note on friend: danelle went to see brian regan on sat -- COOL!!!! he's like my very favorite!!! her relationship is up & down and she's missing stuff from her house... is it pf & the x again? he was sneaking around and i thought she got a restraing order... that sux major big time. and i just finally got some things out of storage, like my jewelry box and shit, damn i need an alarm or something, i'm so scared every time i go down there i will have been broken into, but it's really a good place tho.

[listening to] in my head: puddle of mud/control

note on music: seems the same judge who ruled against napster is now ruling against the music companies who have formed their own association and software to download music online (for a fee). [note: i wonder who will be the first to crack it - either make it not expire in 30 days or make the tunes saveable....] it seems they've violated anti-trust laws and will be paying the price. yeah, so maybe suing napster and then copying them ain't so fucking smart now huh? fuck!~ napster didn't even fucking DO anything wrong!!! they were NOT in violation of ANY fucking copyright laws. hasn't ANYBODY out there EVER worked with/for or known a copyright ATTORNEY? shit, all they did was create communications software THAT'S IT. if the online sharing of mp3s is such a fucking travesty, then why aren't the creators of the mp3 software getting their wee-wees slapped? why aren't the cd-burners having their day as defendant? it's so fucking stupid. it's like if i made a cassette off of an album and gave it to you, yeah THAT is copyright violation. i probably wouldn't go to jail or pay the $120,000 fine per violation, but i would be guilty. now if i made five-hundred thousand cassettes and sold them to all my friends for, let's say five bucks a piece, then i'd be in court like that *snaps fingers* because i'd be making money off the shit, and selling at a lower price than the official CDs or cassettes, and they'd be losing money, goodwill, etc and would sue or probably send a cease and desist letter first. and let's say i used regular mail to send the cassettes out. would the US Postal Service be in court if i got busted? NO. so why is napster ? they didn't do anything. they are like the mail service that i used to send the $5 cassettes to my "friends" in the above-mentioned hypothetical situation. all they did was allow people to communicate. the people who are ripping the CDs, the makers of the software that allows them to rip the CD's, and the MP3 players (hardware), MP3 software, and conversion software is what's allowing all this to happen. now maybe somethings have gone on that i'm not aware of, because i am so busy and do not read or watch the news very often, but from what i'm seeing, there are ads for mp3 players everywhere, Kmart, best buy you name it and personal cd players that play both cda's and mp3's, not to mention the gross abundance of every kind of software online, whether for purchase or trial ("astalavista, baby!") *wink wink -- nudge nudge -- swift kick in the ass* .... *dazed look on face* ..... *oooh thinking about fine blondes for a moment*........ ok my point is that napster only created communication software for people to perpetuate the online trading of mp3s, but the actual MAKING of the mp3s is the problem and the actual violation of copyright laws. what's probably so hard for the courts to do is to find each individual user/person and make them pay or go to jail, so easier to go after napster. god they must have a sucky lawyer.... i remember seeing the 19-yr-old creator of napster on some photo shoot on tv, and he kept brushing his nostril every time he walked out for a photo, then there would be a snap, then new angle of the shooting area (empty), he'd walk on again, brush his nose, and snap goes the camera...over and over like 25 times, every single time he was trying to wipe away any remnants of that 8ball he bought before the shoot, god it couldn't have been more obvious. i felt so bad for him, and i thought "damn dude, just say 'hey, wait a minute, please." go into the bathroom, fix your nose, get a Q-tip or douche it or whatever, make SURE it's ok, then go back out and leave your fucking nostrils alone!" but hey what do i know about doing lines?

ok i'm done.

ok so i had a really FANTASTIC interview. and the thing is i got up LATE, didn't toy with the mac like i should, barely took a shower, took juju to my aunt's and then got back here with no makeup on, couldn't find anything to wear, actually changed 5 times at the last minute and ended up burying my necklace in my shirt, then wasn't sure how to get there, so i go thru the 50 maps my grandad left behind in the house, and what? no maps of dc except ones that show a one-inch yellow square labeled Washington on it. oh great, i need STREETS here people!!! -- so i'm supposed to BE THERE at 11 and it's 10:25 so on goes the deodorant and the perfume, brush teeth & lipstick, grab collection of state quarters, print out directions which jam in the printer 3 times, then go out the door. 10:30 i'm at 7-11 buying a map. i drove into town, past the pentagon (GAWD!) got off the freeway and had to turn around a couple times due to detours. made it a little closer and found an empty metered spot. parked and crossed the street. looked up at the first building on the corner to get the address and i was there, dude!

........as the second hand on the huge round wall clock in a meeting room on the 8th floor of the building passed over the 12 of eleven o'clock, i was sitting there meeting with my new boss [i hope]. i filled out the necessary paperwork and gave links to examples & urls for them to look at. the other person in the "them" didn't show up as he was working on a rush job.

i won't hear anything til friday or tuesday. they need two (not one but two) people, and i better be one of 'em. i'm going to have to take juju back to school, which means paying for it, but i'm going to tell them she can go ½ day for a while to save some money. i need a job now, but i've still got one check coming on the 15th. for how much i don't know, especially since my x-boss was docking me for everything under the sun, including other people's chatting, which is one reason i quit. anyway, having some time off will give me a chance to see my attorney and go on a fieldtrip with jaker. that should be fun.

I MADE MY FIRST ASP PAGE TODAY! or, i guess it's not an ASP page, since ASP stands for "active server page" so it must be an AS page.

CORRECTION:

I MADE MY FIRST ASS PAGE TODAY!

check it:

the kids got the playstation to work last night. heavy resident evil all night long, then we went grocery shopping and were GOING to get dvd's for the mac, which i hooked up yesterday too, but jazz brought the wrong coupon to blockbusters, and after having to go there twice anyway cuz i forgot my card, i said fuck it, we'll have movies some other time, which is turning into tonight i have a feeling. yeah yeah run on my ass.

also: quit my job this morning, and sent out more resumés and emails. made some phone calls and have 2 (not one but TWO) promising interviews to look forward to.

NETSCAPE ASSRAPE

Invasion Software & Verizon DSL Team up to Bring You
THE NEW VERSION OF NETSCAPE THAT WILL FUCK YOUR COMPUTER SILLY

ok so i got verizon dsl yesterday. it fucking PISSED ME off. after i opened the box, i found out i had to buy an ethernet card. so off to best buy we go. oh did i mention how there were TWO SIGNS on the shelf under the TWO ROWS of ethernet cards that said $14.99 - $10.00 rebate = $4.99. well that was for the Dslink card but i got the "symbol that totally resembles a D"slink card. i told them i don't care if it's not the right one, it shouldn't have been stacked so neatly above the signs. The guy at customer service, literally 3 feet away from the fucking shelf told me that they aren't the ones who stock the shelves. i mean COME ON, i admit, if it was just one there that somebody sat down, and YES i've mistakenly grabbed those and bitched about it only to find out i'm wrong, i get no refund and i've wasted my time AND made a complete ass out of myself, but anyway if it was a mistake then no big, BUT IF THERE ARE 50 OF THE FUCKING THINGS ALL NEATLY STACKED ABOVE THE TWO NOT ONE BUT TWO SIGNS, THEN IT IS MISLEADING, and therefore i deserve ten dollars. yes the thing i bought was $24.99 and get this!!!!! IT ALSO HAD A $10 REBATE, which is just TWICE as misleading. ok my point is that verizon pisses me off because:

the dsl service was already on when i plugged in the modem, but i had to install something to get a name/password anyway;

i could not just use windows and configure a dial-up mechanism of some sort to get name/password;

i had to install their shitty winpoet software WHICH FUCKING INSTALLED NETSCAPE WITHOUT ASKING ME AND NOT ONLY OVERWROTE MY CURRENT VERSION OF NETSCAPE BUT PUT 800,000 FUCKING ICONS ALL OVER MY DESKTOP, TASKBAR AND TRAY. FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH NO VASELINE, WHY DON'TCHA?!!!!!!!

i called them and the guy told me that i could uninstall netscape when i was done, but that i needed it to get a user name/password. when i looked in my list of add/remove programs, i saw only one netscape, which means if i uninstall it, i will have no netscape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in the instruction booklet, it says that if you use netscape, to back up your bookmarks somewhere else on your harddrive. well i use ie5.5 so i didn't worry about it. what it didn't say was that if you have ANY FUCKING VERSION of netscape ANYWHERE on your computer IT WILL BE OVERWRITTEN and you will LOSE ALL YOUR FUCKING BOOKMARKS regardless of what the instruction booklet says WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT;

oh well, warez sites disappear quickly anyway;

it changed all the icons for jpgs although they're still registered to psp;

when you finish the installation of the cheap-ass freeware dialer AND the NETSCAPE, you have to go into all the new icons on the taskbar "verizon dsl" -- "netscape" -- "netscape account setup" which, in order to work, forces you to grant an extraordinary number of file writing, sharing, modifying and sending permissions TO IT, which i saved as a log; and then it takes you to a FUCKING SIMPLE PAGE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ACCESSED IN ANY FUCKING BROWSER, SO THE INSTALLATION OF NETSCAPE WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. THE ONLY REASON FOR INSTALLATION OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO TOTALLY CONTROL YOUR COMPUTER IN A WAY THEY LIKE WITHOUT YOUR KNOWING IT.
i went thru my add/remove programs today, to see where this fucking low-resolution bubble popping game came from (jazz could have installed that by accident or on prupose---note: jazz said she didn't do it. it came from the shitty logitech software and there is no uninstall information- it zaps my monitor every time i try to access is because it DEMANDS my resolution to be fucking 480x640. i'm so glad i got a free $10 webcam with software from 1932!) and it said i has used quicken YESTERDAY. i haven't even opened the program this month. does verizon really need to know my checking account number and everything else about me??

the damn dsl line (which they explicitly TELL YOU not to show in the taskbar once it's connected and of course i did just the opposite, already on to their scam) was sending packets constantly, even before i signed up, and even afterwards when i had stopped my browser and was viewing nothing.

their installation changed my homepage in ie5.5, even though i didn't use ie to register my acct.

it reconfigured ie5.5 so that it no longer asks if it should be the default browser i will have to change that myself

i looked in the installation booklet again and it said something about netscape and ie are included with the installation CD. THAT'S A FUCKING LIE

they include a webcam for you to use for free and i set it up pretty easily

in order to get it working i had to install its software (which, to publish anything you HAVE TO SIGN UP FOR AN ACCOUNT AT "SPOTLIFE" which you first MUST REGISTER FOR) thereby giving your personal information away ONE MORE FUCKING TIME THAT DAY.

why do they need all these fucking permissions when you can access the same page thru other browsers. i think they intentionally use netscape because they can program it to ask for those permissions before going to that page, ie might be harder to do that way. and they need the permissions to overwrite your default browser (WHY?) overwrite your bookmarks (WHY? other versions of netscape don't do that) overwite your home page in netscape and other browsers (WHY?) change your registry (WHY? the winpoet crap was already installed) and modify, write, delete and send other items on your computer (AGAIN I ASK WHY?!!!)

here's the first screen WARNING you against this installation

here's the first screen WARNING you against this installation

100% y2k-compliant, 93.82% bitch

7.11.2006

12.15.2002

6.23.2002

4.13.2002

3.18.2002

3.17.2002

3.15.2002

3.07.2002

3.05.2002

3.01.2002

2.24.2002

2.11.2002

2.02.2002

2.01.2002

1.31.2002

Male Bashing!

1.20.2002

1.18.2002

1.10.2002

1.08.2002

1.07.2002

1.06.2002

1.05.2002

1.04.2002

1.03.2002

1.02.2002

1.01.2002

12.25.2001

happy holidays!

12.24.2001

12.18.2001

12.13.2001

12.12.2001

12.10.2001

12.09.2001

12.07.2001

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE Part II

12.06.2001

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

12.03.2001

omfg @ ru!

12.02.2001

please read!

11.30.2001

11.29.2001

11.27.2001

11.25.2001

11.24.2001

11.22.2001

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

11.21.2001

11.18.2001

11.17.2001

hearts & hugs to abby

11.16.2001

LIVING IN THE 00'S

11.15.2001

11.14.2001

11.09.2001

11.08.2001

11.06.2001

10.26.2001

note: i will put back my old template with the flowers and the links, and i'll fix the comments when i can.

10.25.2001

CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS, PEOPLE

here's what people do at work

IT'S JAZZ's BDAY!!! WOO-HOO

10.24.2001

10.23.2001

10.17.2001

10.15.2001

10.14.2001

10.13.2001

I NEED YOUR HELP. CHECK IT

10.12.2001

FUCKING EMERGENCY!

10.11.2001

INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS and other news....

10.02.2001

Invasion Software & Verizon DSL Team up to Bring You
THE NEW VERSION OF NETSCAPE THAT WILL FUCK YOUR COMPUTER SILLY